Tuesday's Rule #2
Ctrl, Alt, Chill
Last week, when kicking off "Tuesday's Rule", I mentioned the iPhone note that I’ve kept going since summer 2021 titled "Life Rules".
Over the past 2 1/2 years, I have accumulated dozens of rules, ranging from the well-known to the esoteric and from the benign to the brutal.
I scroll through the list every so often to remind myself of the ones that I need reminding of. There are a few in there that I've changed my mind on and a few that have become less relevant as circumstances have changed.
There are a handful, however, that I think about every single day.
Today's is one of those.
My fiancee says that if she had a pound for every time I mentioned this, she’d be able to retire.
I laugh to myself when I know I've broken this rule.
It's a rule that, if implemented, could make every single one of us a little bit calmer and, ultimately, happier.
The rule is...
Control Your Controllables
Anyone remotely familiar with Stoicism will be familiar with this concept.
Focusing only on what is in your control and ignoring or learning to deal with things that aren't was a vital mantra for the Stoics. The idea is known as the "dichotomy of control".
For the Stoics, it means that whilst we can't always control what happens to us, we can always manage how we react to it.
To be even more specific, Epictetus (a Stoic philosopher) taught that the path to a happy life, a life of what the Stoics called ‘Eudaemonia’, was found in two things:
Correctly identifying what is within our control and what is not; and
Focusing your effort on what is within your control and learning to accept what is not.
In 2024, this means a few things that I think are worth being reminded of.
There are lots of things that are in our control, but a far greater number that aren't.
For example, a lunatic driver cutting us up at a junction is not in our control. No matter how egregious the driving is, our reaction - both immediately and in the following few minutes - is absolutely in our control.
The way your colleague speaks to you, your friend taking 3 days to reply to a text, the shop running out of your favourite biscuits. Not in your control. Your reactions? Totally in your control.
Think about how much happens TO us every single day. Think about how much better life would be if we could react to these things in a measured fashion, no matter how upsetting or disappointing the situation.
This is not to say there is no room for anger or emotion. Some things that aren't in our control may still warrant a reaction that raises our blood pressure slightly. But by deciding what those are in a controlled way, we are likely to be more selective of our reactions and aware of the potential consequences. This approach allows us to manage our emotional responses more effectively, ensuring that when we do choose to react, it is with intention and an appreciation of the outcomes.
For me, however, the most critical part of this rule is the focus on the items we have determined that ARE in our control.
It is one thing to not react to things we have determined are not in our control.
It is another to deliberately control what is.
Our exercise, our diets, the time we spend on our phones, how we speak to service staff, how we show up when spending time with our family. These are all things absolutely in our control, and if we want to live an intentional life, must be deliberately controlled.
Blaming others or outside factors is easy if we don't always get the outcomes we intend or anticipate. It's also sometimes comforting.
But it's a trap - a seductive and misleading one. The moment we start blaming external factors for our circumstances, we give up our power.
You might be starting to see where my fiancee is coming from, but this rule - "control your controllables" - isn't just about not sweating the small stuff. It's about recognising agency in every aspect of our lives. It's acknowledging that while we can't control everything, what we can control is profound and vital.
If you find yourself worrying, or concerned about something, question whether the outcome is within your gift to influence. Then, remind yourself of the rule.
Control your controllables.
Act, or let it unfold.
