Is The UK Economy Still Attractive?

30 ways to find out...

It was Saturday night, and the Take Me Out studio was bouncing. 

Thirty single ladies looking for a date were in position, and the crowd was on its feet. The live show was about to start, music was playing, and everyone in the studio was excited.

The host Paddy McGuinness, in his element, was dancing to the tunes as he welcomed everyone to the show.

"You all know the rules by now", he explains. "Girls, each of you has a light in front of you. If you like what you see, keep it turned on. If you don't, turn it off". The audience joins in as he ends his explanation of the rules of the game... "NO LIKEY, NO LIGHTY!"

"Right, are you ready, everybody?" he continues. "Let the chancellor see the exchequer... single man, reveal yourself!!"

The crowd cheers, and the single ladies look expectantly towards the love lift. Some upbeat, generic dance music kicks in. Typically, the contestants pick a song everyone knows and will dance and sing along to, but none of the ladies seems to recognise the song as the lyrics start:

Yesterday

All my troubles seemed so far away

*boom boom boom*

Now it looks like that they're here to stay

Oh, I believe, in Yesterday

Despite the slightly odd choice of walk-on music, the girls seem pretty impressed as the man appears.

A sharp-dressed, slightly older gent appears at the bottom of the love lift. His suit is perfectly tailored, and he seems in decent shape. The grey hair gives away his age somewhat, but that doesn't seem to put anyone off. The crowd cheers as he struts around the stage, oozing confidence.

He makes his way into the spotlight to introduce himself...

"Hi, ladies; you are all looking beautiful this evening! I'm the UK Economy, and I'm from... well, the UK, but some places more than others, I suppose."

Paddy comes back on stage, looking slightly confused, but sticks to the script... "Girls, are you turned on or turned off?" he asks.

Two lights go off... *doom, doom*

"Ohhh, great start!" Paddy exclaims. "28 girls with their lights left on, but sorry, what did you say your name was?"

"I'm the UK economy, Paddy".

"OK..." Paddy tries to brush off the multiple questions he has running through his head. "Let's get out and speak to some of the girls..."

"Samantha, you turned your light off. Tell us why?"

"I think he's a bit old, Paddy. I'm not sure he could keep up with me; it looks like his best days are behind him."

"Awwww", the crowd react. The UK economy wipes fake tears from his eyes and sticks his bottom lip out. Still, Samatha's sentiment doesn't seem to knock any of his confidence.

"OK, let's check in with one of the girls whose light is still on. Alice, do you like what you see?"

"Ohh, he's gorgeous, Paddy, and it looks like he's done very well for himself! If he really is the UK economy, I'd love to explore all of his goods and services in Fernandos!!"

Paddy walks back towards the centre of the stage where the UK economy stands, more confident than ever.

"Well, you've had a great start here, but will it be smooth sailing as the girls get to know you a little better. This next round, we're going to hear from the UK economy in his own words - remember ladies, if he's not Mr Right, turn off your light." 

All eyes turn to the giant screen in the studio, which sees the UK economy standing in central London, ready to introduce himself.

"I'm the UK economy, the 6th largest, and one of the most globalised economies in the world," he begins. "I'm worth $3.3trn when considering my GDP and rank 5th in the world for exports and imports."

Back in the studio, the girls and the audience are looking impressed. The UK economy seems increasingly confident, as no one shows signs of turning off their light. 

"I love business", he continues, - “I ranked 8th globally for ease of doing business, and in 2017 I was so popular, I ranked 3rd globally for foreign investment. That means only two countries received more investment from foreign countries than I did. Moreover, of the 500 largest companies in the world, 26 are based in the UK." He paused confidently before looking into the camera. "Ladies, whatever it is, I can guarantee to give you what you need."

"But what I'm most proud of is my currency. The Great British Pound is the oldest functional currency in the world, has global reserve currency status, ranking 4th globally."

*doom, doom, doom, doom*

Back in the studio, four lights go out. The UK economy starts looking slightly awkward, but the video continues in a different central London location. 

"I'm a service-based economy, meaning I make most of my money through providing services rather than selling goods. The actual split is around 80% from services, with particular pride in financial services. That's why I'm here in the City of London, the world's second-largest financial centre."

*doom, doom, doom* 

Three more lights go out as the video goes on.

"I make over $2trn yearly by providing services. The four largest services I provide are financial services, real estate including imputed rents, health and social care and professional and technical services."

*doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom*

Several more lights go out. As more girls look less impressed, Paddy and the audience start to wonder how long the video will continue as the scene shifts to a large factory backdrop.

"I don't just provide services; I make a lot of money producing goods and selling them worldwide. My number one export is cars..."

*doom, doom*

"...and my aerospace industry is the second largest in the world. I also export crude petroleum, gas turbines and plenty more! Ladies, if you come with me to Fernando's, I promise you'll get more than a good time".

The video comes to a close, and back in the studio, the atmosphere has gone slightly flat, but Paddy does his best to lift the atmosphere again.

"Well, that was... interesting", he starts, "but there's still plenty of lights left on, so let's go out there and see what the girls are thinking".

"Jenny, why did you turn your light off?"

"I'm a northern girl Paddy, from Sunderland," she explained. "He seems lovely, but I can't relate to that flash London life. I don't think we'd have anything in common."

"Alright, and what about you, Lucy?"

"I can't lie, Paddy; I basically had no idea what he was talking about. What the hell is imputed rent?"

Paddy grinned. "I must admit, pal, I struggled to understand what you were saying. I think GDP is Gross Domestic Product, defined as - the total value of goods produced and services provided in a country during one year." He stopped and took in the applause from the audience. "But it's pretty hard to understand the rest of it."

"Also, Paddy", Lucy continued, "he was talking about how proud he was of the pound. But wasn't it all over the news this month that it crashed to the lowest level ever?" A few girls made noises of agreement, and a few applauded.

"Temporary froth", the UK economy replied... "predominantly down to global market uncertainties.." he trailed off slightly. 

"OK," said Paddy. "Let's hear from one of the girls whose light is still on. Ella, what do you like?"

"I love his confidence, Paddy! Even though he seems a bit confused about what he actually is, he thinks a lot of himself and I love that in a man."

Paddy walks back to the centre of the stage where the UK economy stands, trying to brush off some of the knocks and maintain his swagger.

"Alright, pal, a few girls turned off there, but you're still in good shape with 15 lights. In this next round, we'll hear from someone who knows you well. Hey, let's hope they don't stitch you up too much."  

The UK economy covers his face with his hands as the girls look up toward the big screen. Everyone knew what to expect in this part of the show. One of the contestant's mates would come on, taking the mick out of his music taste or what they liked to do in their own time. But this wasn't exactly what happened. 

On-screen appeared a man who seemed to be a news reader. His face was stern, and he spoke sincerely... "The UK economy is facing a crisis." 

Back in the studio, the UK economy swallowed deeply, and the atmosphere became slightly tense. The video continued.

"The last few months have been grim for the UK economy. Energy prices are rising, and inflation has reached double digits for the first time in over 40 years. The pound fell to its lowest value against the US dollar, and its government resembles a merry-go-round."

*doom, doom, doom*

Three lights went out.

"Whilst it is true that the world is facing challenging conditions, the UK's problems are more deeply rooted and severe than those of its competitors," the man continued. "When it comes to growth, the International Monetary Fund says the UK will sink to the bottom of the G7 next year. Growth will drop to 1.2%, lower than the expected growth rates in France, Germany, the US, Italy, Japan and Canada."

*doom, doom*

"Things weren't always this way for the UK economy, and it is true that it once led the world. After the industrial revolution in the 19th Century, the UK was the world's factory. In the 21st Century, it became the world's banker".

*doom, doom, doom*

The UK economy was starting to look downbeat, but a few lights were left.

"But over the past few years, things have gone south for the UK economy. In fact, by some measures, real wages in the UK are lower than they were 15 years ago. If you were to take out London, the UK has become one of the poorest economies in Western Europe." 

"So, what happened? Well, it's hard to look past Brexit. Whatever your political opinion, there is little doubt that the economic shock of leaving the EU single market and customs union has greatly impacted the UK economy in recent years".

"I imagine he told you all about his openness, foreign investment levels, and pride in the pound. Let me tell you what has happened over the last few years for each."

*doom, doom*

The audience, Paddy and the girls, couldn't believe what they were hearing. Some were giggling cruelly, while others looked sympathetic. The UK economy was now looking at the floor as only a few lights remained.

"The UK is no longer an open economy. After the UK quit the single market and customs union, there is little doubt that Britain's trade has suffered. The OBR - the official body which provides independent economic analysis - suggests that the UK will see a "15% reduction in trade intensity as a result of Brexit”. Since 2019, Britain has suffered an 8% fall in trade openness – defined as the sum of exports and imports as a share of GDP." 

"As for foreign investment, I imagine the UK economy was proud of its position on the world stage around or before 2016, when business investment in the UK peaked. It hasn't recovered since then, and Brexit worsened the situation. According to the Bank of England, the leave decision "has lowered the level of investment by almost 25% in 2020-21."

*doom, doom*

"And finally, the pound. The value of the US dollar has indeed weakened currencies around the world. Still, the pound has fallen considerably against the dollar since 2016. This is a significant problem, as a weaker pound makes imported goods more expensive, contributing to further inflation, a disaster in the face of the world's current problems."  

The studio was almost silent as the video ended. Paddy walked back onstage and put his arm around a beleaguered-looking UK economy. 

"Wow. He really did a number on you there, pal". But as he spoke, a smile spread across his face. "The good news is there's two lights left on, and you've got yourself a DATE!!"

The crowd cheered, and the UK economy perked up as Paddy explained the show's conclusion. "The power is now in your hands, my friend. There are two girls left with their lights on, Liz and Rishia. It's now over to you to ask them a question before you decide which one you want to take to Fernando's."

The UK economy looked shattered, but he was relieved that he hadn't received the fatal blackout that looked inevitable at one stage. Rishia looked back at him calmly, whilst Liz seemed to stare back through him with a somewhat vacant smile.

"It's true, it's been a rough few years for me," The UK economy started. "What would you do to help turn me around and help me fulfil my potential?"

Liz went first. "What you need... is to grow up," She said. "You've clearly spent too much time listening to the doomsayers and the anti-growth coalition".

"The who?!" Paddy blurted.

Liz continued unfettered. "You've let your confidence be hit by so-called experts. When you were talking about yourself, you didn't even mention cheese. That is a disgrace."

The studio was silent for a few seconds before Paddy realised she had finished. "Right... erm, OK. How about you, Rishia?"

Without smiling, Rishia opened her mouth to begin her answer, but to her surprise, the UK economy stopped her.

"Don't worry, you don't need to say anything," he said. "I've made my mind up. I'm not sure what she said, but she scares the life out of me. Wherever we're going, let's get out of here as quickly as possible. Let's wrap it up, please, Paddy."

Paddy looked baffled but made his way back on stage.

"I've seen a lot in my time on this show, but I'm not sure if I've ever seen anything like this. Rishia, you've just secured yourself a date without saying a single word."

The new couple embraced cautiously, almost awkwardly, as they looked each other up and down. However long this relationship was going to last, the UK economy seemed relieved that the show was finishing and he had some certainty.

"Right, let’s give it up for Rishia and the UK economy, everybody!" Paddy urged the crowd, who seemed to have almost totally switched off to what was going on.

“I guess all that’s left is for me to wish you well as you jet off to The Isle of Fernando’s. I’m not sure what their GDP is, but the beer is cheap and the tax is low. Go on you two, enjoy yourselves!”

The crowd half-heartedly applauded, as Rishia and the UK economy took each other by the hand, and disappeared into the sunset…